Saying 'no' can make us itchy and twitchy. We tie so much to the 'yeses' - we see ourselves as helpful, kind, caring, decent, considerate, dependable, and reliable when we can say 'yes' to requests of our resources - and we like that others see us in that same light. This means, that we often view a 'no' as the opposite of all of those things; awkward, inflexible, unhelpful, unaccommodating, uncaring, unkind, inconsiderate, and so on.
What's valued above all else though is honesty. It's important in relationships of all kinds to know where we stand with someone. Not having to second-guess, that there are lines of clear, open, and steady communication. That's wayyy more important than the yeses and the no's. All healthy relationships are founded on trust and trust is built upon a framework of honesty, two-way dialogue, a sense that both parties are cared for, and renegotiating expectations when needed.
Sometimes we get stuck in relationships where the yeses are assumed and expected, the questions not asked with an open-ness that things could go either way. That's not a healthy dynamic, it's an open gateway to resentment, depletion, and eventual, anger.
It comes back to honesty, really. We all have a right to exist within spaces where we can be authentic and true. Where we can flex and adapt and change our minds. Where we know that there won't be a negative backlash when we speak up and speak out. Where we feel just as comfortable in the 'no's' as we do the 'yeses'. The 'no's' often create the space we need; to self-care, to create, to craft, to replenish, to thrive.
The art of saying 'no' is to turn the 'yes' on its head. What is that 'yes' also saying 'no' to. Perhaps in saying yes to working during your annual leave, you're saying no to quality time with your daughter. Perhaps in saying yes to baking a cake for the school fete, you're saying no to going to bed at your usual time. Perhaps in saying yes to more work, you're saying no to the weighty workload you're carrying which has to be done at some point too. Perhaps in saying yes to lending someone money, you're pulling into question whether you can pay your own bills. Perhaps in saying yes to the things which cause stress somewhere down the line, you're saying no to your health and happiness.
There's always an opposite in life, always a consequence, always a compromise.
The art of saying 'yes' or 'no' pulls into question whether we're 100% comfortable with the consequence on both sides of the coin - very often we're not. When we carefully consider then, the requests on our time and the consequences either way, whilst valuing ourselves (perhaps the most important part as we so often - in our minds- don't measure up) - the honest answer always becomes the best one.
You can be kind and caring and still say no.
You can be generous and still say no.
You can be considerate and still say no.
You can have free time ahead and still say no.
You can be conscientious and committed and still say no.
You can reliable and dependable and still say no.
You can say no and be loved.
Source: The Blurt Foundation, who have a wealth of information and support, can be found on https://www.blurtitout.org.uk