Is there any right way to love?
Is there a normal way?
One person can be loved in different ways.
This story is based on someone who has lost their wife, and the emotions that can arise in response.
“What happens when that love has gone? What do I do? How do I find my way forward?
What is the point of getting out of bed, making the bed? Getting washed dressed and shaved, combing my hair.
I’ve been such a successful business man all my life, why can’t I work this out?
Emotions aren’t logical, you can’t take an analytical approach, emotions don’t work that way.
It’s been nearly year, I should have my oomph back, shouldn’t I?
How did she keep house so beautiful?
The dust is blue and thick and I dusted 2 weeks ago!
I keep the kitchen clean and tidy, I’ve always been the cook, I can get lost in my cooking, but she’s often there watching me, I like that.
I didn’t feel this bad when my mum died.
I saw my therapist today, and she told me a lot of my emotions are normal and that it’s OK to feel like I do. I talked a lot about my wife, I told her lots about how we laughed and played fools. My counsellor floated the thought of writing some of my thoughts down. She even suggested going out to buy a book especially for the purpose! But I think I will. My wife was precious to me, it feels only right that she has a special book. I’ll even use the pen she gave me for my birthday last year.
It’s such a strange feeling of learning how to be on my own, she’s not there when I turn to her chair next to me to share a joke or some wise comment! So do you what I do? I talk to her chair, I imagine her sitting there, with her mug of tea and latest novel. Conversations can be a bit one sided but I sure that I can hear her voice. I was a bit hesitant about sharing these thoughts with my therapist, would she believe me? Or worse, would she think that I was going mad. I’ve not told our children in case they think the same. But it was OK, my therapist said that I was perfectly normal, that many people cope in the same way. She shared that sometimes in grief, we find comfort from believing that a visiting Robin(s) in the garden are our loved ones coming to say hello!
My therapist even suggested a memory box. A memory box? What’s that? She explained that it’s a special box that some people find comfort from creating. A box which holds special memories of the person we have loved and lost. She said that some people have a memory drawer! Anything can go in - photographs, theatre tickets, a piece of jewellery, their favourite sweet or perhaps a book. It can be anything. She even told me that one person she had worked with, had put a sock in the box - a life of odd socks! I might do that, not sure yet, it would need to be just the right kind of box. I’ll have a think.
It’s been good to be able to talk about my wife, I know that I can talk freely, and I don’t feel such a burden talking to someone who wasn’t affected by her passing. But perhaps the best part is that by talking about her, is that for those 50 minutes, it can feel that she is there with me, holding my hand and guiding me forward.”