When I talk about self compassion I can almost hear people groaning! There seems to be a popular take that the term self compassion is an “in phrase”, words used frequently by self help junkies to make themselves and others feel better.
They’re right it does make you feel better. So what is self compassion? Kristin Neff defines self compassion as:
“…being warm and understanding towards ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism…”
Perhaps another way of looking at things, is to acknowledge that you are human and sometimes, it doesn’t work out the way you want it to and that’s OK. Quieten the inner critic, and allow yourself to hold your own emotions. Self compassion entails being warm and understanding towards ourselves. Being self compassionate is recognising that being imperfect, failing and experiencing life difficulties is inescapable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry or listening to the voice of the inner critic. A voice which can become very loud and demanded to be heard. Life is a series of ups and downs, part of becoming more self compassionate, is an acceptance of life’s reality. Making mistakes doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human.
And being human, means that making mistakes or feeling inadequate is part of the shared human condition. It’s something that we all go through rather than something which happens to “me” or “I” alone.
Self compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions, so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. To help in this process of balancing our emotions, it’s helpful to relate our own personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering, that is putting our own situation, in to the wider perspective. That said, it also needs our willingness to be aware of our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in a mindful awareness. To be able to ‘look’ at our own emotions and feelings without judgement, avoiding over identifying with them, and finding ourselves being swept away in a wave of negativity.
When the one person whom we have the longest relationship with is ourselves, being self compassionate feels like the optimal place to be. It leaves me asking the question, of our life options and choices, who wouldn’t want to quieten our inner critic and have a more accepting lifestyle?
So, how to we get there? Practice😊
· Learning to accept the best and worst aspects of who we are.
· Acknowledging that change is never simple but it’s easier if we stop being so hard on ourselves.
· Understanding that when we make a mistake, it’s part of growing and learning.
· It’s okay forgive ourselves when we make those mistakes, we don’t need permission from others.
· To be free to let go of others’ judgement.
Something to think about, is a quote from Alyssa B. Sheinmel:
“You have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. Because it’s only when we love ourselves that we feel worthy of someone else’s love”